PACIFIC RIM HELPED ME FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID PEOPLE AT WORK: TheJackSack™ Movie Review

Look at me. Hey, I'm talking to YOU! You fucking see PACIFIC RIM yet? No? Alright (clenches fist) ... fix that right the fuck now.

Bro66 Screening of PACIFIC FUCKING RIM ©2013 Tekcorps (aka Sprocket)

As for the rest of you, the good citizens who organized your lives properly to see this film within the last few days, I thank you. You have all reaffirmed my faith in humanity. Not because you love good cinema, nor for the fact that you care about the kaiju genre. These are all important things, no doubt, and I do not wish to sweep them aside here. However, there's a more important factor underlying your willingness to "cancel the Apocalypse." You have all rejected the pile of smoldering trash that is Adam Sandler and his film GROWN UPS 2. Not everyone in my office is as virtuous as you good ladies and lads.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD!!!! Why do you challenge my soul with these... (Daniel Plainview vein-pulsing forehead).... people? I sit here in my office and with my door closed I can hear the muffled stupidity of co-workers droning on about their weekends. "How was your weekend?" "Oh, it's so hot out!" "I like mashed potatoes." "Oh thank you, I just got it cut." "I just saw Grown Ups 2! I LOVED IT!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NONONONONONONONO!!!!!


People, this is getting out of hand. Guillermo (or as TheEmpir3 would say "Guiermo") Del Toro, director of the HELLBOY films, PAN'S LABYRINTH, CRONOS (... I could keep going) has achieved something truly unique- he made a good, dumb movie. PACIFIC RIM is not high-art, this isn't Christopher Nolan's cinema vérité contemplation on a world where hope is dead and where chaos is wrought upon humanity by terrible (yet sympathetic) monsters from the depths of our oceans. Come on, guys- fuck these monsters. This is big balls in your face time. Robots versus Monsters. ROBOTS PUNCHING MONSTERS!!! HARD!!!!

So, Del Toro pulls off a slick film here- the actors are all game for the show. There's some amazing guy with an awesome set of muscles that leads the group of monster fighters. What's the actor's name? Fuck if I know, I don't care to know, this isn't TERMS OF FUCKING ENDEARMENT. I never want to know the guy's name, now that I think of it. I never even want to see him in a movie again, because he will never surpass this film. Period.

There's also some smoking hot Asian girl who is his not quite love interest. She represents the people most directly affected by the kaiju incursion- losing her parents in an attack on (I think it was) Tokyo. God, who cares? She's hot, she punches stuff and she makes this little facial expression with her eyes that just says "Let's fuck up some monsters with a big robot."  Oh, Guillermo, what kind of wine do you like? I'm sending you a case.

Idris Elba sucks so fucking bad in this movie. Let me tell you something else- it doesn't MATTER that he sucks. It's Idris Elba. He sucks all over the fucking place. We're all kind of used to it, admit it, what's he really good in? Be honest with yourself. Don't give me that Heimdall shit from THOR. He just stood at a door! A FUCKING SPACE DOOR. Get a grip, folks.

Back to PACIFIC RIM. Go see it. And if you've seen it already, go see it again. Why? Because life is not always so generous to us. Not often do we get such an accomplished filmmaker's take on one of the most base, gratuitous genres of our time. Roland Emmerich can go fuck himself- seriously find a way to do that, Roland. I'm sick of your disaster porn. Del Toro has shown us what you've been trying to do in your last 282 films and he fucking beat you on his first try. PACIFIC RIM is straight-up sensory heaven. It's a Meat Loaf song, a triumph of excess and enthusiasm. It's a film that must be seen in the theaters. So stop reading this shit and go see the movie. (DROPS THE MIC)