Tangent66: S7AR WARS

When I was ten years old, my brother would make my mom take us to a local baseball card/comic shop called The Dragon's Den. He was there solely to accrue his holdings in cardboard totems to athletic greats, but I was a willing participant in these trips because I was able to explore the rest of the store- and its the comic collection. Those were truly blissful days. On the wall of The Dragon's Den, seemingly 100 ft. away from my hands hung a poster encased in a gorgeous frame. Every time we went to the shop, I would ask the clerk "How much for the poster?" "Same as last time, $150." Damn, I'll never have enough money to buy that thing. I would make sure my mom overheard the exchange, hoping she would eventually have an epiphany that yes, she should buy this thing for me, and end my Sisyphean struggle. That day never happened, but the point was never to own the poster but that something so simple could represent so much value to me. Tom Jung painted something that would be ingrained in the minds of millions around the world. The poster was a symbol, the real prize was the film itself.

We were spoiled by a combination of artists at their absolute peak, by the progression of film technology (driven by the aforementioned genius creative team) and just good 'ol fashioned luck (sorry, Ben, there is such a thing). My luck was to have been born three days after the first film was released. My first memories of a movie, a toy, a coloring book, all tied into STAR WARS. I remember going to Kresge's with my grandmother and walking (running, really) down the aisle to the STAR WARS section. The first thing I ever bought with my saved up change was a Gamorrean Guard action figure. These films, characters, toys... and music (oh the music!) all defined my world and that of many others. Before some shithead blogger coined the term "fanboy" people just embraced these sorts of things without a self-identifying label. You love STAR WARS? So do I! Done, now, let's play some STAR WARS adventures with our toys.

Skip forward to today. An announcement came out revealing the principal actors for the upcoming, seventh (they made six of these movies? Did I miss something?!) STAR WARS movie. There came a photo with the actors and producers and director (an unbearded man named "J.J.") sitting in a circle on the very sofas I have in my living room (IKEA Karlstad with the Isunda gray covers). Okay, enough teasing, let's get excited about this new chapter in the realm of magic and imagination! Yeah! Yeah? Eh... wait, they did make six movies, I remember now. Those other three movies... that made me feel weird in the bad way, like someone broke into my house, shit on my rug and charged me $10 to watch. Fine, we all have our opinions about Episodes I, II and III. They divide us, they confound our belief in what was once a unifying part of our culture. Hey, these new movies are bringing back the real characters, right? Luke, Han, Leia, Lobot(?), and many more are coming home to set their house in order. George Lucas is a consultant, an inbred monarch stripped of his power, and he can no longer do his weird shitting on my rug anymore. The professionals are back in action, and STAR WARS, I'm sorry, ahem S7AR WARS is going to be great.

I write these words and I don't believe one single fucking part of it. My big gripe is that I will hear Luke, Han and Leia speak once again- decades after their perfect, joyous victory in RETURN OF THE JEDI. What else do I need to know about these heroes? Han made his moves, he solidified his relationship with Leia and found that he no longer had to run from his past. Leia achieved the mission of beating the Empire, finding her own peace with the last several years of chaos in her life, and finally putting down her gun. Luke (the real and only true centerpiece character of STAR WARS, sorry George) became his own person. Throughout his life, Luke was protected, lied to, underestimated, beat down and through it all he did not give up on his quest.  "You've failed, your Highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me."
Luke found his father and he found (by becoming a Jedi) the greatest part of his father too.  There is nothing more I need to know of, see or hear from Luke Skywalker because what he achieved in JEDI is the only thing that matters. And the last jerk to say "no" to Luke got fucking smoked- the Skywalkers took care of business. Period.

So, we got some new STAR WARS to deal with now. New Sith? New Jedi? I'm sure there will be interesting, exciting things coming in these films. I'm also sure there will be nostalgia-filled lines that actually do break through the layers of cynicism built over the past 15 years. It may end up that these films are legitimately good. I hope so, because we could sure do with some good STAR WARS for a change. But I still cannot get past my belief that these films are unnecessary And what I do not look forward to seeing is Han dying, Luke getting his pinky toe cut off and Leia falling down the stairs of the Senate building holding a bottle of Romulan Ale (I know, wrong show, someone tell that to Abrams). I wish these assholes well in their massive cash grab. I hope all good artistic intentions prevail in the creation of this new trilogy. We'll see how it goes in short order. Until then, this is where I'm at:


  1. I can't wait for for the epic Darth Darth Binks reveal.

  2. Excellent writeup and I completely agree. I'll admit that part of me is glad to see the old trio back to hand things off, but also nervous because well...why the hell do they need to be in here? I don't want their appearance in the movie to feel forced in there or distracting, that is my main concern with their inclusion.

    Glad to see the new group of people doesn't have any HUGE names in it that will be a distraction either. Sam Jackson in space is still mother fucking Sam Jackson...you can't put one by me goddamnit. Just because he didn't say his lightsaber was the one that says "Bad Mother Fucker" on it doesn't mean we all weren't thinking it.

    I'm proceeding forward with cautious optimism, but I am prepared for a let down. I don't think it can be as devastating as what we expereinced with George's last time with this